I want to do it again…

White stretch pants? Mini-mini black skirt? Mini-mini jean skirt? Black pants? Low-low plunging neckline black shirt? Strapless? Lower back shirts?

I want to do it again…

• I want it to be a Friday after school calling every one of my friends, doing conferences (lol, yes we did that!) to see what they are going to wear…

What? You’re going to wear the white pants? But, I said first I was going to wear them… Okay, Okay… I’ll wear a black shirt and you can wear some other color
so we don’t look like we are wearing a uniform. Okay, okay… I’ll see you at the party!

• I want to get to a party and be able to give kisses and hugs to everyone, cause I know each and every single person that is at the party. And, if I don’t know them; I will by the end of the party.

• I want to be able to drink like there’s no tomorrow, without getting drunk. Those good times… half of tequila bottle, who could win me on that one?? High five for that!!! Lol…

• I want to have the so called “chupas” every weekend at my house, when there were no majored parties! My living room full of people, and we the same CD that we would play 10,000 times, and could dance like if we just heard the song… lol

• I want to go to the so called “piscinazos” (pool parties) wearing our swim suites and having fun with our friends. “Don’t look for me… I’ll throw you at the pool…” –“You’ll come with me” LOL.

• I want to go to the beach, and walk through the beachwalk 10,000 times all the way from Salinas to Chipipe... running into each and every one of my friends... and eating ice cream, doing "dedo" (lol, no one could understand that Ecuadorian expression) to see if the group of friends your hanging with can get to Punta Carnero to drink and get tanned (using coca-cola, coconut oil, baby oil, pilsener!!! Lol, that was to drink too)... And then back to the beachwalk in Salinas to plan where is the party at night, and who is it going... And of course what to wear with the new tan!!!

Awwww… All of this made me miss my country a little :( ... I want to do it all over again, just once, just once. I want to party like we used to do, I want to plan my weekends so I can go to the beach, or plan what party I'm going to... I miss you guys, all of you. High school was the one of best time of our lives…

My father...

I normally never talk about my father or when I do I just say little; just what’s new… which is “oh, he and my mom got a divorce like seven years ago” (damn! I can’t believe it has passed so much time)

It is so sad that the only thing that I can say about him is that… oh well, I guess I could also say he has another marriage and another kid. But who cares about that?

Men are weird; men are the ones that can’t be understood. They always say
it’s the women that can’t be understood, but that’s not true. We’re simple.
We like things in a different way, that’s for sure. We are caring, we love,
and most of the time we give everything!

My dad and my mom had a marriage for over 21 years, how can it be so simple for a man to break-up such a long marriage, a lifetime together. I understand if you don’t get along with a person, you need to break it up. But this is not a 2 or 3 year marriage… its 21 years what we are talking about!!! It’s like he had plenty of time to say that he wasn’t getting along with mom the first five years!! It’s not like you wait 21 years!!

Ufff… sorry, just to think about that gets me all upset. But there’s nothing I can do. Just keep the memories of my family, because that’s all I have. There is no family no more.

And you might be asking why I don’t talk about my dad… the truth is that when the got their divorce he decided to live his own life in a different way… The divorce was really hard for all of us to handle (and by “all of us” I'm referring to my Mom, my sis, my bro and me). We all handle our pain in a different way. My mom decided to cut contact with everyone except for family members, and wanted to be in her room all the time, and used to cry at night when “we” couldn’t hear her. My brother was in Miami at that time, I couldn’t see what was going on with him, but for what we talked (which was little) he was hurt; my dad was his hero. My sister, wow, it was really hard for her; she acted the same way as mom did… but it got worst and worst. Me? Well, I’ve always been the “strong” one, no matter what. My heart was made of stone, nothing hurt. At least that’s what people could see. I needed to go out, be out of the house; I was tired of mom and sis inside the house with their long faces all day. I needed to see something different, at least to drive my car and listen to music and get away. But my mom didn’t want me out of her reach. Tired of that, decided to take a vacation and come to the states… I had planned to stay for three-months at my aunt’s house in Queens. I thought it would be great, there were stores nearby, I could help babysit and make a little money to buy something if I wanted to. I was there for a few weeks, when my brother called me…
Bro: hey, can you sit down… I need to tell you something…
Me: what’s going on?
Bro: It’s our sis she, she try to slid her wrists…
Me: What do you mean she tried to slide her wrists?
Bro: That’s the only thing they told me, I know someone took her to the doctor..
Me: Damn! I need to call her, but I don’t think she will have her cell phone…

I couldn’t wait for another week to go by, I had to change my ticket and get back to Ecuador. (Do you see why I always had to be the strong one?)
I got back and she had changed; I couldn’t even recognize her. She wasn’t the sister I left when I came to the states. She was deeply hurt. And, #$%#$% I couldn’t do anything about it. That’s when I learned that I could cry in front of someone and not care if they saw me. I sat and cry with my sister, and I cried so she could feel that I understood the pain she felt.

I guess he knows that he had cause so much pain in our lives, that now he doesn’t keep in touch with us… he would never call or email… well, actually I'm lying he emails or chats with us once or twice a year. I know my bro has blocked him from his messenger, for obvious reasons. But, I don’t know about my sister; I think she had forgiven him. Me? I don’t know yet. What kills me is that he waits for us, me… to start the conversation when it should be him the one to start it… I mean there are a lot of new things in our lives, that he may want to know about, right? I guess he doesn’t. :=o(

Tired...

I'm tired. Tired of waiting for a sign, for a reason, for you.

My hope is gone, so far away. It's hiding in a place I can't find. I've lost all my hope within a month. I tried doing my best, but it just seems that it is not enough for you.

What are you looking for?
What do you want?
What do you need?

I thought I needed you, I was weak. But now, I'm not weak anymore. I'm as I used to be before, I'm strong and I know what I want and I need. And if that can't be next to you, I can't sit and wait for you to come. I need to stand up and keep walking.

New things are waiting for me, new things that I want or I may need. And if you haven't come next to where I am sitting, it is probably because you don't want to come. And it's time for me to keep going, whether it's with or without you.

Okay... It's a date!

I was talking to this guy I work with or actually works with us. He's old. He is such a nice person, and every time I’m out of town I go out with him for dinner... once or twice during my stay.

This time I've been here for two weeks, and he's being inviting me out to dinner few days of the week. And since he is such a nice person, I normally have a good time with him, and he adores my son so it's cool. But, one day he called me and he said "let's go out to dinner today" and I said "okay around 6 will be fine". He responded "yeah that's more than perfect! So we have a date, don't we?" On the other side of the phone I was like WTF! This is not a date; this is "just going out to dinner as co-workers!!!" I was sooo shocked I didn't say a word, and he thought the call had dropped and hanged up.

I couldn't say I wasn't gonna go since I already said I would. I was freaking out. I tried not to think about that issue. So... we went to the restaurant and the server was introducing herself when she notices my son, she said:

Waitress: Oh, that's the cutest boy I've seen... Is he your only one? (looking at him...)
Me: (Thinking) Your?? What do you mean?? He's mine!!! Don't you see the guy that is sitting next to me??? he could be my father or my grandfather what are you thinking???
He: Yes!
Me: (Thinking) What do you mean yes? He's mine, only mine!!! He's my only one yes! Not our only one!
And that wasn't enough...
Waitress: (again looking at him) Don't you want to have one more?

What's up with this people? Why do people always have to be so imprudent! What if the guy that was sitting next to was my dad or my sugar daddy (lol)!!! I guess she noticed and pretended she didn’t ask and went straight to “the specials tonight are…”

After we finished our dinner, we we're driving back to the apartments (yes, plural... everyone has their own, we don't share!!) I had a CD on my car, and the song "Love - Keisha Cole" started playing and he got all excited about it, he was totally gay at that moment! And WOW I felt relieved!

To one of those men...

So I scored another "failure" to my love live. That's how something that I started with excitement ended up. And... No… I haven't cried, not because I didn't want to… but because people kept looking for those tears; and I've always been strong, at least on the outside, no tears went down my cheeks; they were prohibited, they were banned. I wanted to cry, I wanted to drown in my salty tears… I wanted to forget so badly what pain felt like, and that could have been the only way.

Now I find myself in front of my computer… it is 2:00 AM and I can't sleep so I'm reading, writing, listening to music…

I've read what I wrote about him 10,000 times or maybe even more. I've read every single chat log… I've read them more than 10,000 times… it could probably be 20,000 times… I know the lines already… what he said, what I said. I could write a book about it, and I could call "It all started at the bar that night."

I could use every word he said and every word I said… I could move them around, change the words, and make it a happy story with a happy ending. But, then I would ask myself what would be a happy ending? "And they stayed happily ever after??" And what is that about?... I mean seriously! What's the meaning of "happily ever after"? What does it involve? After all, I couldn't write the book. I wouldn't have the strength to write something that did not happen, that would never happen… Even if I don't know what that is, even if it hasn't being defined yet.

I wish I didn't have him on my mind… I wish that every love song that I hear wouldn't remind me of him… I wish that the time we spend together wouldn't have gone so far away from tonight… And so far it has gone; I don't keep track of days, or hours, or minutes… that would just drive me insane.

I can wish and wish and wish, but that doesn't mean it will be real… I think it is about time I get my own shooting start!!!

One of those men...

What could I say about him? (Briefly description, lol...)

I meet him at the wrong time, at a bar… he looked cute and said he could dance (lol, never got to see that… wish I had)

After that… we went to a movie, and it was so nice… That day I felt like a teenager girl, he wanted to hold my hand but didn’t know how and it must have taken him half an hour to do so… And you may find it stupid, but it felt nice, sincere…

We started talking… well texting (as I told him once, he was my text-boyfriend, lol)… I got to meet a part of him, and I really liked it. And, at first I showed myself, the real me. No lies, no hidden secrets, nothing…

He said beautiful things to me… like “you are the woman I was looking for” and “I really think we have a connection here”… I used to think of these things as stupid things a guy would say… but he… he was different.

We we’re going out… (in a on & off kind of way)… he was simply amazing. It got to the point where I though “he’s the one, hell yeah… he’s all I want”… and why? Well, first he’s gringo (lol, I’ve always had a thing for gringos, sorry…), second he’s older than me (always liked older man, too)… he had a job (which means he’s not a lazy guy that would expect a woman to pay for his rent, lol…) he did his things on his time… like Sundays, Sundays was his day for football, either he went to the stadium, or he watched it with friends, and I just loved that… most women get annoyed by the fact that their men go to do something on a Sunday, instead of being with them… But, I think it’s enough to have them every single night with you, they share that special moment where you kiss them goodnight and hug each other for couple of minutes (sorry, can’t sleep with someone hugging me all night :( )… Don’t get me wrong… If I can get my man to be with me on a Sunday it’s great too…

But, I always see things in a different angle, maybe a more mature one… I can use Sunday to go shopping, lol, or spend some private time with my son… (as I normally do).

I believe that in a relationship, there has always have to be some private time, I mean everybody needs their own time… at least, I like to get mine. And, if I do get mine; why can’t he, uh?

I keep memories of him in my head, in my computer, in my cell phone. Still have his pictures, look at him and wonder if he still thinks of me… Which probably he doesn’t… but, there’s nothing I can do… I already got used to pain…

And why I said before that I meet him at the wrong time? Well, I was going through a lot of stuff that had me in mood swings, unfortunately, and I started reacting wrong… with all my problems and I started discharging all my problems on him, and I shouldn’t have, I should have looked for help, or maybe not help but at least an advice from him. And, I didn’t… I guess, my relationship with my mom, the fact that I had a baby, and the family not being able to get over it (yeah, after three f***cking years!) has affected me in a way only time could heal.

Time... Need time

Been single, in relationships and broken up... I'm freaking out! I don't want to come back "in a relationship" so quickly...

Why is it so hard for me to trust guys? My mind starts playing tricks, and suddenly all I can see is another guy trying to get me, use me and get rid of me... and I don't want that, so I push them away. It's all in my mind, and I know that, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.

Why couldn't he see I just needed him to hold me, promise me everything would be ok. I'm just a girl, I need reassurance, I need someone to fight for me and to show me that they care.

Maybe I do need some time by myself to sort things out... I keep thinking it will be better to leave it, better if I let go...

"I just need something to happen. I need a sign that things are going to change. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope! And in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today."

Me and my friends: It's the spanish version of "Chapter 1... closed"

Paiky: Tata, lee my blog.
Tata: Pero está en inglés... le digo a mi hermano que me lo lea...
Paiky: Qué eres loca! Es muy personal...
Tata: Bueno le digo a Kamita que me lo lea
Kamita: Haber vamos a traducir a medias el blog de la Paiky... Haber dice así...


Uno de mi ex.... VERSION GUAYACA 1.0 (Editada por Kamita)

“Como comenzó todo....”

Ella (d ahora en adelante así se la conoce a “Paiky”) estaba trabajando en un restaurante, el man era el nuevo gerente... La man hecha la regalada de una comenzó con la huevada a coketear con el man... Y el man ni cojudo también... Jaja los manes se pasaban velando el uno al otro casi, casi que todo el tiempo... Un mes paso y ella se dio cuenta que él era una de esas personas con las que puedes sentarte a conversar y tanto así que tiempo pasara y tu ni bola… A ella le gustaba el niño este, le gustaba mucho... El la invito a salir... Ella no recuerda que hicieron ( Ya dice biiii) jaja pero luego comenzaron a salir como amigos (Ya simón)… Varias semanas o quizás un mes después... El dijo a ella que ya pos que corten la jodedera y todo serio en la relación… Y la respuesta de la tonta esta... Digo ella.... Fue porque una relación seria… Que sería diferente.... Que podría cambiar?? Que los manes seguían saliendo con cada uno.... El pensó que él no tenía tiempo para perder el tiempo con alguien que no kería algo serio.... Y como pana que la man no kería… Pero ella pensó que el man era dato... Y que el man era un gran tipo.... Un tipo con el que podía divertirse... Con kien podía hablar.... Un tipo que la haga reirá (paiky para eso estan los payasos oe) un tipo que se preocupe por ella... Entonces ella pensó como se podría resistir a todo eso... Y aflojó dos semanas después... Ella le dijo que chévere que iban en serio... Nada cambio... Al menos no para ella... El estaba feliz...


“Nuestro besos…”

La primera vez que nos besamos: mmm ke te diré... No puedo decir que es uno de esos besos que nunca olvidarías... De hecho fue TERRIBLE!! Y en ese momento pensé: maldita sea... No kiero estar con alguien kien no sabe besar... Pero luego pensó que ella podría enseñarle... Y mi dios... Que el man pilas aprendió! El la basaba de una manera que nadie lo había hecho.... Sus labios tocaban los míos full delicado (jeje no se como traducir esa parte textualmente) y me besaba tan suavemente (así a lo elvis crespo) tratando de hacerme sentir como que si estuviera siendo besada por un ángel... Sus manos sosteniendo mis caderas (y ke caderas... Puro trasero) y el man de una mano a la presa la agarró y la abrazo jaja la abrazó y besaba mis mejillas, mi oídos y mi cuello (biiiiiiiiii) ella podía sentir su respiración (biiiiiii) en todo el cuerpo... Le daban como ke escalofríos y la dejaban ahi keriendo más... (enseguida hecha la ofrecida) nos podíamos besar por minutos... Y el mundo podría detenerse solo para nosotros para sentir el (togetherness... Chucha como traduzco eso... ) oh Ya puede ser... La unión de nuestras almas... Todo era espectacular... El amor, la felicidad que podíamos sentir solo con un beso...


“Nuestra manera de hacer el amor…”

Luego de un mes de estar en un relación... Luego de un mes de esos irresistibles Besos (Claro ahora si irresistibles cuando lo ke kería ella era salir corriendo. Jeje) y la manera como el me tocaba. Biii...... La man Ya NO aguantaba y al man lo keria pero YA! Y Ya no podía más, ósea la man... Ya ke casi, casi todo se le caía... La primera vez que hicimos el amor... Fue una sensación que nunca olvidaré... Orgasmo tras orgasmo (ósea el man el conejito de energizer jaja) hicimos el amor de tantas maneras.... En tantos lugares (hecha la putisima).... Aprendimos nuevas posiciones (y ahí fue cuando le kedaron de collar al man jeje) descubrimos lo que nos gustaba a ambos....

Las veces que hacíamos el amor, no estábamos solo haciendo el amor... Estábamos redefiniendo lo que es hacer el amor


“El break up…”

Esto es lo mas difícil... Hablar de nuestro break up.... Yo lo amaba... Por primera vez, ella aprendió que era el amor... El era el hombro a kien ella podría esperar hasta la noche que regrese del trabajo... El era el hombre con kien podía planear una vida... El era con kien ella se kería casar... El era la razón del porq ella estaba feliz... El era el sol que iluminaria mi día todos los días... El era todo para mí...

Nuestra historia parecía tan perfecta... Pero hay muchas cosas, cosas que puede ser arruinadas por falta de comunicación... Mi familia ayudó tambié.... Ellos no la kerían con el... Por razones aun no confirmadas... Un día que ella esta kabreada por una razón por la que no debía estarlo... Ella estaba siendo solo egoísta.... Ese día palabras hirientes salieron de la nada... Y ella le dijo a el... "aki se termino, terminamos!!" en ese momento comenzó a llover casi, casi como una escena de una pelicula... Ella se empapo todita y la lagrimas corriendo por sus mejillas y el pensamiento de cuan estúpida había sido pero lo hecho hecho esta... No había manera de deshacer el drama este Ya estaba todo hecho... El orgullo de ella no la dejaban hablar con el... El trato de comunicarse con ella... Pero el orgullo de la man seguía ahí... Toda nuestra historia de amor se fue por el caño... Pero ella lo seguía amando...


“Tratando de superarlo…”

Ella pensó que el era su media naranja (UYYY jaja ), el hombre que Dios había hecho solo para ella... Fue muy muy duro superarlo... Y más sabiendo que todo era culpa de ella...... Porque ella había sido egoísta y había escuchado consejos que no debía...
Ella no actuaba de manera rara con él... Si hablaban... Ellos se vieron un par de veces... Y esas veces... Oh mi dios... Esas veces fueron espectaculares... Ella sintió como si el mundo se detenía por un minuto o dos... Y ellos podrían velarse el uno al otro (jeje) y compartir un beso... Ellos podían sentir en esos Besos el excitement que sus cuerpos sentían cuando estaban juntos, el tiempo pasó y los feelings cambiaron... Los de ella no pero le tomo millón tiempo darse cuenta lo estúpida q había sido y que debió haber dicho algo antes... Pero no lo hizo...
1 año y 22 días después de que se separaron... Ella decidió que era hora de cerrar el capítulo 1 de su libro de amor... Y ahora... Ella se siente bien al respecto... Ella dejo ir una parte de si... Pero está todo bien!

Atte: Pablo "la Paiky" Neruda

Chapter 1... closed

One of my exs…

How it all started...

I was working on a restaurant; and he came as a new manager. I thought he was cute and started flirting, and he did too. Our days were spent staring at each other every time it was possible. A month had gone by and I realized he was one of those people that you could sit and talk and time will pass by without you even noticing. I liked this guy! I really did.

He invited me out... can't remember what we did... but then, we started going out "as friends." Few weeks or maybe even a month later, he wanted to have a serious relationship. And, my answer to that was: "Why a serious relationship? What would be different? What would change? We’re still exclusive..." He thought he didn't have time to waste with someone that didn't want something serious; and believe me, I didn't want it. But, I thought he was nice, and that he was just a great guy; a guy that I could have fun with, a guy that I could talk to, a guy that will make me laugh, and a guy that cared. So how could I resist to all of that?

Two weeks later, I decided to tell him it was okay for us to be in a relationship. Nothing changed, though, at least not for me. He was happy and it all started…


Our kisses…

The first time he kissed me? Uhm, I can’t tell you it was one of those kisses you’ll never forget; in fact our first kiss was terrible!!!! At that moment I thought: “Damn! I don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t know how to kiss!!” But, I thought I could teach him, too. And, oh my God, he learned the lesson…

He kissed me in a way, no one would ever do. His lips so gently touched mine, and kissed me so softly trying to make it feel like I was being kiss by an angel. His hands holding my hips, at a times holding them so tightly bringing my body so close to his; kissing my checks, my ears, my neck… I could feel his breath around my body; gave me chills and left me there wanting more…

We would kiss for minutes, and the world would stop just for us to feel the togetherness of our souls. It was just amazing… the love, the happiness that we could feel just with a kiss.


Our Love making…

After a month of being in a relationship, after a month of those irresistible kisses and the way he touched me… I wanted him so badly, and couldn’t hold it anymore.

The first time we made love to me… It was a sensation I will never forget. Orgasm came after orgasm. We made love in so many different ways; in so many different places. We learned new positions; we discover what each other liked.

The times that we made love, we weren’t just making love, we redefined love making.


Our breakup…

It is the hardest thing, to talk about our breakup. I loved him. For the first time, I was actually understanding what love was. He was the man I would wait for at night to come from work. He was the man I could plan a life with. He was the one I wanted to marry. He was the reason why I was happy; he was the sun that will light up my day, every day. He was everything to me.

Our story looked so perfect; but, there are many things that can be ruined by little communication. My family helped too, they didn’t want me with him; for reasons not yet confirmed.

A day that I was mad, and believe me I had the perfect reason to be mad… that day I thought it would be better if we took a break, and I told him “it’s over, we’re breaking up.” At that moment it started raining, just like if it was a breakup scene out of a movie; I got all wet, tears went down my cheek and the thought of how stupid I was.

But it was done; there was no way to undue all that was done. My pride wouldn’t let me talk to him. He tried to reach me, but my pride was still there. Our entire love story went down the drain, the day that we broke up as it rained. But I still loved him.


Getting over him...

I thought he was my perfect match, the man God had made for me and just me. It was really hard to get over him. Even more knowing it was my fault, because I was being selfish and was listening to advices I shouldn’t have listened.

I didn't act weird; I didn't call him much on this time... But, we did talk; we even saw each other a couple of times... and those times, oh my God.., those times were just wonderful. I felt like if the world had stop for a minute or two, so we could stare at each other and share a gentle kiss. We could feel in those kisses the excitement that our bodies felt when we were together.

Time passed, and his feelings changed... Mine didn't but it took me so long to realize I was being stupid and I should have said something earlier. But didn't.

So, 1 year and 22 days after we broke up... I decide it was time to close the Chapter 1, of my "Love" book. And now, I feel good about it. I let a part of me go; but it's all good.

Welcome...

So I decided to start a blog, to start writing. I’ve always like to write, but never done it before (except for essays for school). I always have thoughts coming to my mind, every day, every minute; it’s insane. If I would have had a notebook to write down all my ideas, I could have probably had written a book already.

In this blogs I am going to write about my life, men I’ve dated and about all the breakups I’ve deal with, and certain things I like. Hope you can enjoy it. And please give me feedbacks. (Maybe you will find some misspellings, I'm sorry English is not my native language but I need to learn.)