To one of those men...

So I scored another "failure" to my love live. That's how something that I started with excitement ended up. And... No… I haven't cried, not because I didn't want to… but because people kept looking for those tears; and I've always been strong, at least on the outside, no tears went down my cheeks; they were prohibited, they were banned. I wanted to cry, I wanted to drown in my salty tears… I wanted to forget so badly what pain felt like, and that could have been the only way.

Now I find myself in front of my computer… it is 2:00 AM and I can't sleep so I'm reading, writing, listening to music…

I've read what I wrote about him 10,000 times or maybe even more. I've read every single chat log… I've read them more than 10,000 times… it could probably be 20,000 times… I know the lines already… what he said, what I said. I could write a book about it, and I could call "It all started at the bar that night."

I could use every word he said and every word I said… I could move them around, change the words, and make it a happy story with a happy ending. But, then I would ask myself what would be a happy ending? "And they stayed happily ever after??" And what is that about?... I mean seriously! What's the meaning of "happily ever after"? What does it involve? After all, I couldn't write the book. I wouldn't have the strength to write something that did not happen, that would never happen… Even if I don't know what that is, even if it hasn't being defined yet.

I wish I didn't have him on my mind… I wish that every love song that I hear wouldn't remind me of him… I wish that the time we spend together wouldn't have gone so far away from tonight… And so far it has gone; I don't keep track of days, or hours, or minutes… that would just drive me insane.

I can wish and wish and wish, but that doesn't mean it will be real… I think it is about time I get my own shooting start!!!